Pray for Productivity

I’m struggling to get out of bed this morning. My body is tired from weeks of farm work, but relief is near. In two hours I take my parents to the airport and then I’ll have nearly a month to myself. Papa sets such a relentless work pace that running a farm alone feels like a break in comparison. I’m grateful to have such a strong work ethic to learn from, but I’m not in control of my schedule when he’s around. I’m always at his beck and call. It’d be one thing if I was getting paid, but I work to gain his favor and respect. I work to live here without feeling like I’m indebted to him. I realize this isn’t the dynamic a father ought to have with his daughter— one where she needs to prove herself to feel worthy or free of judgement.. But it’s hard, when that’s the standard he’s set for himself. He doesn’t know any differently. His self-worth is linked to productivity and perfection, which is how I have learned to do the same. I’ve done a lot of work to release myself from those constraints. I try to tell myself that I am enough, that what I do is enough. But it’s a challenge to hold onto that gentleness, to really believe in it, when you’re working alongside someone who still actively adheres to that system.